Should I tell a person with dementia that a family member has died?

My uncle, my mother's brother, passed away last week. My mother has moderate dementia and still asks about him. I don't know whether to tell her the truth or not — I'm afraid of hurting her again every time she forgets.

There isn't a single answer to this situation, and that's normal — it's one of the most difficult decisions a carer faces. The right choice depends mainly on the stage of the illness and the person's ability to process and integrate the news.

Why there's no fixed rule

In milder stages of dementia, the person may still be able to understand, grieve appropriately, and even participate in farewell rituals, such as a funeral. Depriving them of this truth can be disrespectful and cause confusion when they notice, through other signs, that something isn't right. In moderate to advanced stages, however, the person may not be able to retain the information — and relive the news, and the accompanying emotional shock, repeatedly, almost identically to the first time.

How to assess what to do

• Ask yourself: will they be able to remember this information, or will they forget and have to "discover" it again tomorrow?
• Consider the immediate emotional impact: does the person tend to experience prolonged suffering or can they process and move on?
• If you decide to tell them, choose a calm moment, use simple and direct phrases, and be physically present to offer immediate comfort.
• If you decide not to tell them (or tell them and they forget), prepare a consistent answer for when they ask about that person — for example, gently redirecting or using a neutral response like "they're not here right now".

The role of therapeutic lying in this situation

When the person can no longer integrate the news stably, resorting to a reassuring response instead of the repeated truth — the so-called therapeutic lie — is ethically accepted and widely recommended by dementia professionals. The goal is not to deceive for convenience, but to avoid repeated and avoidable grief that the person cannot process.

What NOT to do

• Do not force the person to "assimilate" the news through repeated corrections ("I already told you he died").
• Do not automatically exclude the person from farewell rituals just because they have dementia — assess on a case-by-case basis, with the family.
• Do not make this decision alone if in doubt: talk to other family members and, if possible, with the attending doctor or a psychologist.

"We told my father his brother had died. He cried, went to the funeral, and the next day asked about him again. From then on, we chose to just say he was resting. It was the hardest decision, but also the kindest we could make." — Anonymous Carer

When to seek professional help

If you have doubts about your mother's comprehension ability at this stage of the illness, or if the news triggers great agitation or persistent sadness, speak to the attending doctor or a psychologist specialising in dementia. You can also call NHS 111 for initial guidance.