My mum no longer recognises me. How should I react?

My mum has moderate-stage Alzheimer's and no longer recognises me as her daughter. When she sees me, she gets scared. How should I react?

This is one of the most painful situations a carer can experience. To see the person we love look at us as if we were strangers is a loss that happens while life is still going on. It deserves to be recognised for what it is: a bereavement.

Why this happens

In moderate to advanced dementia, the brain loses access to episodic memories — the memories of "who you are to me". However, the emotional system remains active. Your mum may not know your name or your relationship, but she still senses whether she is safe or in danger.

What to do in the moment

• Approach slowly, never from behind. Enter her field of vision before speaking.
• Speak calmly and smile: your tone of voice and facial expression communicate more than words.
• Introduce yourself: "Hello, I'm Maria, I've come to visit you." Don't force recognition — "don't you know who I am?" only causes distress.
• Don't correct her when she talks about you as if you were someone else. Accept her reality.
• Offer a gentle touch on the hand before a hug — let her authorise it.

Strategies for building connection

• Use old photographs from when you were young together — they can activate older memories that are still preserved.
• Talk about things she loved: music, places, people from her childhood.
• Don't forget: she feels your safe presence, even without knowing why.

"My dad doesn't know I'm his son. But when I walk into the room, his face relaxes. That's enough to keep going." — Anonymous carer

What NOT to do

• Don't repeatedly correct her ("I'm your daughter, you know?"). It increases distress without improving the situation.
• Don't show hurt or frustration — she has no control over what happens in her brain.
• Don't avoid visits because it's painful. Regular presence creates security even without recognition.

Looking after yourself also matters

This non-recognition is one of the most difficult forms of grief. It's normal to feel sadness, anger, and guilt. Talk to someone you trust or seek psychological support. Looking after yourself is not a luxury — it's a necessity to continue caring for her.