Why do they keep asking the same question and how should I respond?

My mother-in-law asks me "what time is it?" or "when is my son coming?" twenty times a day. I've tried answering in every possible way and I'm starting to lose my patience. How should I deal with this?

Repeating the same question over and over again is one of the most exhausting behaviours for carers — and also one of the most misunderstood. It's not stubbornness or a lack of attention on her part: it's the disease manifesting itself directly.

Why this happens

In dementia, recent memory is usually the first to be affected. Your mother-in-law asks the time because, seconds after hearing the answer, that information is no longer retained. It's not about not having heard — it's about not being able to store new information. Often, behind the repeated question is also anxiety: asking "when is my son coming?" can be a way of seeking reassurance, not just getting a time.

How to respond without getting worn out

• Respond calmly, as if it were the first time — the irritation in your voice is something she will sense, even without understanding why.
• Look for the emotion behind the question: if it's anxiety, reassure her ("it's all right, I'm here with you") instead of just repeating the fact.
• Use visual aids: a large calendar, a clearly visible clock, or a board with the day's routine can reduce the need to ask.
• Create predictable routines. The predictability of the day reduces the anxiety that often generates repeated questions.
• Try redirecting to a simple activity immediately after answering, to break the question cycle.

What NOT to do

• Don't say "I've already told you" or "why do you always ask the same thing?". She doesn't remember asking, and frustration only increases her anxiety.
• Don't ignore the question in the hope that she will "give up". This tends to increase persistence.
• Don't try to "test" her memory by repeatedly correcting her.

"I realised that every time my husband asked 'where's Maria?' (our daughter, who hasn't lived here for twenty years), it wasn't the answer he needed — it was to know he wasn't alone." — Anonymous Carer

When to seek professional help

If the repetition is accompanied by great agitation, aggression, or significantly disturbs sleep, speak to the GP — it may be worth re-evaluating the stage of the disease or screening for other causes of anxiety, such as uncommunicated pain or a urinary infection, which often worsen confusion.